2011 COA Reality Show Extravaganza: Project Runway Week 5: Fashion Headliners

An unconventional-materials contest tasks the designers to create clothes from newspapers. Actress Eva Longoria Parker and fashion luminary Tommy Hilfiger are the guest judges

Black and White and Red All Over

Welcome back kiddies. KCar has left me with a pad, paper and the remote, so Uncle T is back at the update again this week. Think of this The Love Boat of Project Runway, setting sail for a friendly fashion shore with Tim Gunn as Your Captain; Heidi Klum as Your Cruise Director; DS as Isaac, Your Bartender; and I’m just Gopher (not to be confused with a whale or MR’s beaver).

This week, we sweep into the dorms to find Johnny rolling around in his own jerky-scented flop-sweat about losing Qwikstall last week, feeling “punched in the gut.” Everyone mentions they’re nervous, looks in the mirror and we’re off to the set.

Heidi comes out, dressed like a stereotypical French mime—though a hot, hot mime in this case—and gives everyone the hello. It’s a black and white theme of some sort and we need to join Tim on a trip to find out what’s up. Gasp-y noises are made, brows are fanned, and we meet Tim who takes us to…The Los Angeles Times! We meet Booth Moore fashion critic for the LA Times who must be dating the food critic on the side and not missing the free meals. She waves a hammy-arm at 5 pallets of newspapers and the designers have 3 minutes to get as much paper from the different sections as they can to be used to construct their garments. Like a trailer parker moms at a sale on Red Man, designers crawl all over each other to fill bags with papers.

Back at the studio, Tim lets us know:

Muslin can be used as infrastructure in the garment but cannot show
Paper garments have an interesting history
They have until midnight to make it work
Althea is required by the producers to show her naval and boobs through this segment.

Everyone goes on and on about never having used paper before; Shirin copes by groping her mannequin and being annoyingly chatty; Johnny shows he back hitting the pipe with some meth dream about an origami dress with paper cranes holding it up.

Tim pimps Garnier into the break…

Sarah Jessica Parker clip-clops in and whinnys about how she uses Garnier to dye her mane…
Megan Fox is exposing herself in a new movie...no man cares what it is about…
Mac and PC face off so Mac can distort facts…
Apparently if women exercise you need a trimmer for their private areas from Schick…
E-Harmony thinks a guy being a single dad jogging will get subscribers, especially if he sensitively talks about going to musicals with his daughter (he’s gay ladies, I’m just saying)...
The Vagina-flower movie with Joan Allen still hasn’t happened on Lifetime apparently…
The staff at Iowa Lutheran Hospital just stand around a look at charts apparently…
US Cellular...we’re not even interesting enough to mock
Lifetime has a show starring Sheri Shepard...you know...she’s been the sassy, black friend on some other shows; now she has a show called Sheri where she plays...a sassy, black friend…

We’re back finally!

Ra’mon talks...who? Has he been on the show the whole time? Are we sure? I don’t recognize him at all….but if you say so.

Tim comes in to see what has been done.

He likes Gordita Babushka's dress
Althea should look at the paper upside-down to help see it as just material (and to flash some boob)
Irina hates what she’s done, but she’ll figure it out
Johnny shares his meth dream project with Tim; Tim’s comments: “woeful,” “looks like kindergarteners did it,” “it looks like the birds attacked the dress.”
Nicolas has “a good trajectory going”
Christopher’s “could be a showstopper” and Tim “can’t wait to see this”

Johnny’s meth buzz is now harshed, and he crumples up all his work and throws it away. Irina speaks, but no one cares; Nikolaus is making his “punk rock” somehow; Althea has boobs and immunity.

The models come in and seem to dig the idea of the challenge. Fitting hi-jinx ensue, with Johnny now crashing from his crank binge and making up methhead lies about a steamer ruining his dress and having to start again. Apparently, none of these people have ever known a methhead because they’re shocked by his fibs.

When the models leave, work goes on, except for Johnny, who gets out a crossword puzzle for the rest of the evening. When they head back to the dorms, Johnny attempts to spread his meth-crash lie; everyone knows he’s full of it, but just shakes their heads.

Break.

Fame is back as a movie and sponsoring tonight, which means we have to hear the opinions of the actors on complex subjects like “what inspired you to be an actor? “ and “{you know this movie will blow, right?”
L’Oreal brings out some celebs who supposedly use their makeup…
Miranda Lambert shows us some uses for cotton...
Nintendo confounds a middle aged actress…
You can sure by some ugly stuff at TJ MAXX…
Centrum is made for women, just like DS…
ABC has some new Lost-like show they hope you’ll watch…
Crest protects your teeth from acid with a force field of some sort, like we use on the shuttle I think…
Fame...it’s a movie...again...love us, please?
Drop Dead Dive will have Liza Minelli on, ‘cause if women won’t watch, maybe we can get the gay crowd…

Back! At the dorms!

Ra’mon gets another minute on TV. Irina likes the risk she’s taking with the trench coat she’s making. Althea will be dressing like an adult for this segment.

Tim comes in and says some look to be “stalling out”; he then plugs the sponsors and brings in the models. Johnny’s on the down-swing side of the high and is moody. Everyone gets catty heading into and out of hair and makeup. Tim takes them to the runway and advises they bring tape!

Break.

The Fame cast is back to talk about “competition”; millions of people go to the bathroom or get a snack to show they care…
There’s a Fructis hairspray! Get it! It’ll give you a bouffant!
Vicky’s secret—LIFT! SUPPORT!
Starkist tuna pouches, perhaps also from Vicky’s Secret…
Pads have wings! WINGS!
Tide...it washes in cold water...like every other detergent, really.
Please watch the Model Show after this one...please...don’t make us kill and eat one…
Advil is for joints...don’t tell Johnny, he’ll try to smoke it…
Fame! IT HEAP GOOD! IT CURE AILMENTS!

BACK!

Heidi comes out, slicked back hair and all and introduces tonight’s judges:

Expensive Jeans Maker Tommy Hilfiger

Zoe Glassner from Marie Claire

The Hyphenated and Nearly Washed-up Eva Longoria-Parker

The looks roll down the runway, showing us why newspapers are dying all over the country…

Logan

Nicolas

Christopher

Ra’mon

Epperson

Methhead

Gordita

Carol Hanna

Shirin

Irina

Althea

Louise

Your 6:

Althea—called “classic,” “pretty genius” “exquisite”

Gordita Babushka—”wearable” (again, this is a bad thing I guess…)

Irina—”blown away,” “Coco Chanel meets” a bunch of other stuff

Methhead—trotted out his crank lies and Nicolas shoots him down on the runway

Nicolas—”insect-like,” “cockroach”

Christopher—”looks like art,” “love the top,” “sexy, glamorous”

Judges Chat into a break. Tim pimps L’Oreal.

L’Oreal has...why Eva Longoria-Parker pitch their wares…
Cotton helps female country starts dress apparently…
Mac and PC wrestle it out…
Tide with Downey in in apparently makes you want to molest your kid in the bathtub…
Macy’s has products by rich people who eat there at night…
Sorority Row is a hack horror film…
Match.com has balls and goofs...like JE!
Army Wives in soft focus means the show has traveled in time I guess…
You can win lunch with TIM! SIGN ME UP!

Back!

Top 3: Althea, Irina, Christopher

Bottom 3: Gordita Babushka, Nicolas, Johnny

Your Winner is… Irina! The trench coat out of paper is pretty cool. Congrats to MR who hangs on another week and had immunity next week!

Your loser is…Johnny! Way to fall apart under pressure crackhead! KCar is out this week meaning I’ll probably be smothered in my sleep.

Johnny is lost and empty and probably going back to arms of his only friend meth.

Tim is curt with Johnny, sending him to the workroom to get his stuff and then...Tim totally snaps and says he can’t believe the batch of lies Johnny told in the runway! Unprecedented!